how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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