I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
