I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
