Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Randomize
