I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
