I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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