Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
