A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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