thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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