I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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