Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
