Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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