I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
we should paint friendship bongs
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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