She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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