Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
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Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
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You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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