she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
