No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
