My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
