me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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