Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize