I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
