Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
