OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
