So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
