I wannas sexs uuuuu
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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