The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
