I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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