Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
