Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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