All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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