I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
