And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
