gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
