my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My pussy is not your playground.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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