I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Houston, we have a squirter
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
