oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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