When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
