Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
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Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
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I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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