Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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