Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
