When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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