Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
