please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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