You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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