I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
