You're my little dorito
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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