I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
