In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
