dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
