my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
