Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
