my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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