You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
