Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
