if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
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Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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