i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
