So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just invented taco cereal.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
