May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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