Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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