I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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