So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
