Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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