the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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