so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
